Week 4

First of all, let me take a minute to apologize for not blessing you all with my glorious Blog last week.

I'd epically like to take this time to beg the forgiveness of the owner formerly known as Philanthropist Fletch. Sir, I'm sorry I let you down. I know you set a high and lofty standard upon which you judge others and I failed you, was this my first offense, no...I've made many a mistake. I just got lazy, like you or your co-owner going to the gym...

We simply can't all be like you....we can't name our children after inanimate objects you find special in your life...we can't cause others to quit their jobs out of hatred or fear...we can't wear an NFL jersey as proper dinner attire on a recruiting trip....Sir we simply can't be you...so from the bottom of my heart I'd like to beg your forgiveness for not posting last week. I hope you can find it in your small sliver of a heart (if you even have one) to forgive me.

- The Editor of the Blog.

Now that that dog and pony show is over let's get to it...

Apparently some of you decided to take a knee with your performances last week. Congrats on expressing your first amendment right to let us know how much you suck.

We don't kneel here at the Blog (unless it's week 3 and we are lazy see above)! We stand up and proudly proclaim for anyone who will listen (be it probably only around 5 of you) how pathetic each and everyone of you are at the sport of Fantasy Football!

In that spirit, I'd like you all to stand as we sing our League's new anthem.

Jose can you see, how much Team Shaft sucks,
What so proudly he used to of hail'd as a semi-hard meeting.
Whose injury prone receivers and formerly top ranked players
Are now not even an option for streaming!
And the injury report update's red glare, the single digit player scoring,
Gave proof through the first three weeks that this manager should just be retiring. 
Jose does this team deserve redemption that's yet to be seen
O'er anyone in this league will he victor or will he go O' and thirteen?

Thank you for your attention and respect.

Three (3) teams have yet to pop their 2017 season cherry. So let's make fun of them individually b/c who cares that Mouth Breathers are 3-0.

Team Shaft - Plain and simple...it just is painful when you lose by 2 points. You finally get a good game out of AJ Green only to have the Dolphins defense crap the bed against the Jets. Javorius Allen was still on his knee in London and apparently the Glass Joe that is Jamaal Charles on your bench would have been a better play, who would've thought?

It's alright, you're used to losing...it's just something you need to accept like looming NCAA sanctions or prepaid burner phones. Maybe this is the week you turn it around! Maybe this is the week you get a win...or maybe this is the week you travel to Tuscaloosa and get your ass handed to you...

Voter Fraud Committee - Congrats you teamed up to form a team even worse that both of you were last year individually! They said it couldn't be done duplicating the incompetence and mismanagement of your performance during the 2016 season. Maybe next year you can pick up another owner and blame your lack of performance on them. Don't worry, you both have excelled in bitching and moaning, you'd be in first place if we gave points for that!

The only fraud here is you both thinking you belong in this League of Ordinary "Gentlemen." In the meantime, try and keep your heads up and take solace in the fact that we are all cheating down here and that's the reason your season is starting out in the can.

Hangin' with Mr. Cooper - We tried to warn you, we tried to help you out, we told you to team up with Avoid Direct Sunlight, but you were too prideful or ignorant to listen to us. You think that year after year of sucking you'd finally realize that you don't have it...I'm not entirely sure what "it" is, but still you're a glutton for punishment.

Also this is the picture you should be using for your logo....you can't even get that right!

See you Sons of Bitches next week!

Week 3

Since I have as much interest in the game tonight as I do being a sex slave for a certain cylindrical projectile hombre, your regularly scheduled weekly name calling and ridiculing will be postponed until tomorrow.

Stay thirsty my friends...

 

Week 2's Managerial Excellence Award

Congrats Kenny Loggins Powers as you take home Week 2's Managerial Excellence Award.

Now take a minute gentlemen and let me walk you through this one...it'll take a while, but the destination is worth the journey.

1. Thursday KLP adds Allen Hurns for a cool $5 off waivers.

2. Saturday KLP drops Allen Hurns and adds old reliable Mike Wallace for 2 buckaroos.

3. Sunday without the presence of Allen Robinson due to injury, Allen Hurns scores a respectable 20 points. I know you've got Blake Bortles throwing to him, but someone has to catch at least one of those passes.

4. Not to be outdone....Mike Wallace puts up 1 point, against the Cleveland Browns mind you...

5.  Monday night late, Kenny Loggins Powers loses by 4 points.

6. But wait! There's more...if KLP had just done nothing....just sat in DC, bitched about most of us down here, and paid more attention to everyone else's team....he'd of still won. Why you might ask? Because the player he originally dropped (Tyler Lockett) scored 13 points. Now that's giving KLP a lot of credit assuming he'd of still started Tyler Lockett, he could've started another UM receiver and still lost, but let's just assume that he would've kept Lockett in.

So let's recap, KLP basically wasted $7 of his free agent budget when he could've won this week.

Congratulations sir...we look forward to more excellence from you this year!

Week 1's Managerial Excellence Award

Congrats to Team Shaft for winning Week 1's Managerial Excellence Award!

Team Shaft went against convention here and started a backup kicker who was inactive for week 1.

Let that sink in for a minute...not a second string WR that might see the field, but a player who was declared inactive even before the game started.

Talk about not taking the time to check your roster for updates on Sunday morning.

It wouldn't of made much difference as The Original RG took care of Team Shaft easily, but one can only wonder is this beginning of the end for this once superpower...

Week 1

Welcome gentlemen as we stand on the edge of another "great" Fantasy Football season.

Sadly the realization that 15 (probably more considering the rash number of teams with double owners this year) of you will ultimately be loser at the end of 16 weeks is about to slap you in the face like a category 5 hurricane into the Caribbean or a certain Dallas running back.*

Being week one, there's not much I can make fun of any of you for, so the usual suspects are safe for now. Hmmmm maybe we should first do a breakdown of each team that'd be fun...because if there's one thing I enjoy it's making fun of others behind the protection of a computer monitor.

Hangin' with Mr. Cooper - Different season, same result...you sucking.

Party In The 313 - Should follow the example of Hugh Freeze and just resign.

Cupcakes for Breakfast - You both are just  going to get pissed off about something that happens down here and bitch about collusion.

Avoid Direct Sunlight - One of you kills the other by the end of the season sadly decreasing the already endangered species of Gingers.

The Original RG - Yes...we still hate you, even though most of the people in this league were in high school the last time you won the league.

Team Shaft - How the hell did you get such a good team? Oh wait, it's you...your team will be on the IR by the start of bye weeks.

Kenny Loggins Powers - I wish you'd of draft the other Miami receiver who beats women so I could legitimately have a reason to detest you.

Nathan's Moist Rowellettes - You know you don't have to have the same name from last year right...or did you just enjoy it that much?

The Office Liberal - Just like Hilary, you're going to lose.

Clubber Lang - Will be providing us all with stupidity and laughs this season in no time. So if your player has an impressive week one, just wait for your trade notification from this team of water heads.

LIFO The Party - Accounting joke, nice...I bet you both still live with your parents.

The House That Forte Built - One of you drives a clown car, the other prefers to spend his vacation with a bucket from KFC watching Netflix in his tighty whities.

I Lied and Linda Lost - Just because your other owner could kick all our asses doesn't mean a thing when it comes to imaginary football.

Mouth Breathers - The team most likely to found in the downstairs bathroom stale.

Mr. Steal Your Gurley - Your name was funny when you had Todd Gurley, but I'm sure you can still find some awesome names on the internet. Here try this site....

Magic Man and El Diablo - You'll still find a way to win even yoked with the vagabond of this league.

This weeks' Match Up of the Week is sponsored by Lakewood Church so let's get to it!

To be the best, you have to beat the best they say. Last year's Champ who doesn't even have his namesake anymore takes on the man who still has the league trophy in what should be a better matchup than it is on paper.

Luckily for Magic Man and El Diablo, they get the services of Zek for this week to offset losing Mike Evans to Irma.  Top to bottom this team is balanced, abusive to women, and stacked for a playoff run.

Mr. Steal Your Gurley counters with starting not one, but two Jacksonville receivers. Let's be honest the Houston secondary has a better chance of catching a pass from Blake Bortles than these two do. Tyler Eifert is not likely to make it past halftime.

Prediction:

I'll see you Tuesday for a recap....








*Yes, we don't believe in the fake news that is run on sentences here at The Blog