Sadly the realization that 15 (probably more considering the rash number of teams with double owners this year) of you will ultimately be loser at the end of 16 weeks is about to slap you in the face like a category 5 hurricane into the Caribbean or a certain Dallas running back.*
Being week one, there's not much I can make fun of any of you for, so the usual suspects are safe for now. Hmmmm maybe we should first do a breakdown of each team that'd be fun...because if there's one thing I enjoy it's making fun of others behind the protection of a computer monitor.
Hangin' with Mr. Cooper - Different season, same result...you sucking.
Party In The 313 - Should follow the example of Hugh Freeze and just resign.
Cupcakes for Breakfast - You both are just going to get pissed off about something that happens down here and bitch about collusion.
Avoid Direct Sunlight - One of you kills the other by the end of the season sadly decreasing the already endangered species of Gingers.
The Original RG - Yes...we still hate you, even though most of the people in this league were in high school the last time you won the league.
Team Shaft - How the hell did you get such a good team? Oh wait, it's you...your team will be on the IR by the start of bye weeks.
Kenny Loggins Powers - I wish you'd of draft the other Miami receiver who beats women so I could legitimately have a reason to detest you.
Nathan's Moist Rowellettes - You know you don't have to have the same name from last year right...or did you just enjoy it that much?
The Office Liberal - Just like Hilary, you're going to lose.
Clubber Lang - Will be providing us all with stupidity and laughs this season in no time. So if your player has an impressive week one, just wait for your trade notification from this team of water heads.
LIFO The Party - Accounting joke, nice...I bet you both still live with your parents.
The House That Forte Built - One of you drives a clown car, the other prefers to spend his vacation with a bucket from KFC watching Netflix in his tighty whities.
I Lied and Linda Lost - Just because your other owner could kick all our asses doesn't mean a thing when it comes to imaginary football.
Mouth Breathers - The team most likely to found in the downstairs bathroom stale.
Mr. Steal Your Gurley - Your name was funny when you had Todd Gurley, but I'm sure you can still find some awesome names on the internet. Here try this site....
Magic Man and El Diablo - You'll still find a way to win even yoked with the vagabond of this league.
This weeks' Match Up of the Week is sponsored by Lakewood Church so let's get to it!
To be the best, you have to beat the best they say. Last year's Champ who doesn't even have his namesake anymore takes on the man who still has the league trophy in what should be a better matchup than it is on paper.
Luckily for Magic Man and El Diablo, they get the services of Zek for this week to offset losing Mike Evans to Irma. Top to bottom this team is balanced, abusive to women, and stacked for a playoff run.
Mr. Steal Your Gurley counters with starting not one, but two Jacksonville receivers. Let's be honest the Houston secondary has a better chance of catching a pass from Blake Bortles than these two do. Tyler Eifert is not likely to make it past halftime.
Prediction:
I'll see you Tuesday for a recap....
*Yes, we don't believe in the fake news that is run on sentences here at The Blog
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