I apologize for the lack of pictures this week, typing this from your phone in the Atlanta airport is harder than it looks.
Well the wildcard round is over and the two teams that had no business being in the playoffs have been eliminated faster than a 300lb defensive tackle running through the fourth floor window after a bad trip...
Speech Mode & Team Shaft you both had boring, lackluster, and mediocre season; so it's fitting that you both lost in the 1st round of the playoffs. Considering both of your crappy teams were extremely lucky to even make it into the playoffs, getting knocked out in the first round should come as no surprise to either of you.
Gentlemen, you both suck at fantasy football, life, growing facial hair, both your professional football teams are horrendous this year, and may God have mercy on your souls. We salute you for your suckatude and now you're just like the 14 other teams in the league...eliminated.
Matchup One:
In what has to be the worst performance of the season, Speech Mode completely failed to take advantage of The Original RG's QB poor tackling ability and scoring a grand total of 0 fantasy points. His 88 point performance was his season's worst. Way to save it up for the playoffs douchebag!
I mean how pathetic is this team?
How can you go from scoring 188 points the week before to only scoring 88 in the most important week of the season? It was a performance that only Peyton Manning and a mother could love.
This team just sucks...plain and simple, how the owner managed to make the playoffs is past me. For all you losers who didn't make the playoffs, you all should feel ashamed, embarrassed, and question your life for the simple fact that this team was better than yours during the season.
Matchup Two:
Team Shaft's performance was just as bad, as he failed to crack 100 even though his defense put up 23 points. Good news is that you would've beaten Stormin Mormon this week, bad news is that you just plain suck.
Not breaking 100 isn't anything new to this team, he should graciously thank the other owners in his division for being worse at clicking positions and hitting the submit button than him so he was able to win the CUSA/AFC South of fantasy football. I don't know what pisses me off more that he gets $25 for winning his division or that he gets to pick his division again next year. Just like getting a damn participation trophy, being a failure at fantasy football shouldn't be rewarded.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Friday, December 18, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Week 1 of the Playoffs
Welcome to Week 1 of the playoffs*!
*Note: We will only be discussing the Winner's Bracket here due to the consolation ladder not mattering, if you didn't make the playoffs, you suck, I'm sorry, there's no participation trophy for sucking and being a pathetic loser here.
Just a little bit of history before we get to the 1st round...
Fact #1: Did you know that back in the first year of this league that Lionel Richie All Night Long was the #1 seed? I don't know what's more impressive, that he's never changed his team name or that he was actually that good back then...oh how the times have changed
Fact #2: In the 2012 season Roger Goodell'd actually played for the league championship and lost?
Ok, I regress..
Prestige Worldwide and Stormin Mormon both have byes due to their superior records during the 2015 season. Both are guaranteed to at least play for 3rd place.
Matchup 1: #6 seed Speech Mode (8-5) versus #3 seed The Original RG (10-3)
It's the matchup of the two teams everyone hates in this league because one team is run by a man who wins everything and the other is run by some clown who likes to belittle others behind a computer screen.
These two team met in week four with The Original RG winning 108 to 90. However, this week ESPN predicts a Speech Mode victory of 134 to 117 and we all know what that means...The Original RG will breeze through this matchup. Let's be honest Doug Baldwin will continue to thrive in a post Jimmy Graham offense, Jarvis Landry will return every kick for a TD, and Charles Sims will do what every team has been doing to the Saint's D...run through them. Plus there's no way in hell that Speech Mode is putting up another 188 point effort like last week.
This one won't be over until Monday night so grab your favorite athletic trainer's cart and go on a ghost ride to pick up a 12" from Subway, an ice cold Pepsi, and some Skittles for dessert, boss!
Matchup 2: #5 seed Team Fox (9-4) versus #4 seed Team Shaft (8-5)
These two team met in week six with Team Fox winning 139 to 97. This week ESPN seems to think that Team Fox will continue his domination of the shaft (that's what she said?). Even though Team Shaft is projected to tie Team Fox with 119 points, ESPN still is giving the little red checkmark to Team Fox.
So wipe that retard look off your face, head down to your local Pubix to "grab" some crab legs and Coors Light, stand up and yell every midschooler's favorite saying in the cafeteria, and see if Team Shaft can pull take a nonconsensual W from Team Fox.
*Note: We will only be discussing the Winner's Bracket here due to the consolation ladder not mattering, if you didn't make the playoffs, you suck, I'm sorry, there's no participation trophy for sucking and being a pathetic loser here.
Just a little bit of history before we get to the 1st round...
Fact #1: Did you know that back in the first year of this league that Lionel Richie All Night Long was the #1 seed? I don't know what's more impressive, that he's never changed his team name or that he was actually that good back then...oh how the times have changed
Fact #2: In the 2012 season Roger Goodell'd actually played for the league championship and lost?
Ok, I regress..
Prestige Worldwide and Stormin Mormon both have byes due to their superior records during the 2015 season. Both are guaranteed to at least play for 3rd place.
Matchup 1: #6 seed Speech Mode (8-5) versus #3 seed The Original RG (10-3)
It's the matchup of the two teams everyone hates in this league because one team is run by a man who wins everything and the other is run by some clown who likes to belittle others behind a computer screen.
These two team met in week four with The Original RG winning 108 to 90. However, this week ESPN predicts a Speech Mode victory of 134 to 117 and we all know what that means...The Original RG will breeze through this matchup. Let's be honest Doug Baldwin will continue to thrive in a post Jimmy Graham offense, Jarvis Landry will return every kick for a TD, and Charles Sims will do what every team has been doing to the Saint's D...run through them. Plus there's no way in hell that Speech Mode is putting up another 188 point effort like last week.
This one won't be over until Monday night so grab your favorite athletic trainer's cart and go on a ghost ride to pick up a 12" from Subway, an ice cold Pepsi, and some Skittles for dessert, boss!
Matchup 2: #5 seed Team Fox (9-4) versus #4 seed Team Shaft (8-5)
These two team met in week six with Team Fox winning 139 to 97. This week ESPN seems to think that Team Fox will continue his domination of the shaft (that's what she said?). Even though Team Shaft is projected to tie Team Fox with 119 points, ESPN still is giving the little red checkmark to Team Fox.
So wipe that retard look off your face, head down to your local Pubix to "grab" some crab legs and Coors Light, stand up and yell every midschooler's favorite saying in the cafeteria, and see if Team Shaft can pull take a nonconsensual W from Team Fox.
Regular Season Wrap-Up
Congrats are in order for Prestige Worldwide, what you lack in hair sir, you make up for in Fantasy Football management skills...who knew you were married?
I'd also like to also congratulate all four top managers from last year for again winning your respective divisions.
Some may cry that "This is rigged!" but truthfully we were all just too incompetent to assemble teams capable of beating yours...or you lucked out and scored the 6th highest point total in the league, but thankfully you're division was incapable of counting past 7.
The Toughest Division Award goes to...the Baratheon Division, of course. Let's take a look at the SEC of all divisions:
LeGarrette's Blount's you sir are to especially praised for your inability to manage! Never in the history of this league (or at least since one owner showed up to the draft with out his computer) have we seen such incompetence when it come to assembling an imaginary team of professional athletes. At 3-10 you not only owe $100, but you also will have your 2016 team name decided by the winner of the playoffs.
But don't worry sir three (3) other paint chip eating, big tongued, helmet wearing, individuals also shared your record. Somehow these special needs teams were able to outscore you. Hell, if Philanthropist Fletch and Group Therapy's Walking Wounded had been able to pull themselves up for their autistic seizures, we might of had another season champion. I mean to finish 3-10, you almost have to try to suck that bad. You could've auto drafted your teams and still won 5 games, hell Jay and Not So Silent Shawn won 4 games!
I'd also like to also congratulate all four top managers from last year for again winning your respective divisions.
Team Shaft (8-5, 1,562 total points) - Stark Division (if we went off record and points you wouldn't make the playoffs, thank you divisional format!)
The Original RG (10-3 1,670 total points) - Lannister Division
Prestige Worldwide (11-2 1,750 total points) - Targaryen Division
Stormin Mormon (10-3 1,676 total points) - Baratheon Division
Some may cry that "This is rigged!" but truthfully we were all just too incompetent to assemble teams capable of beating yours...or you lucked out and scored the 6th highest point total in the league, but thankfully you're division was incapable of counting past 7.
The Toughest Division Award goes to...the Baratheon Division, of course. Let's take a look at the SEC of all divisions:
- 6,249 total points combined (455 points more than the next closest division)
- 31-21 record (only division to have a combined winning record (and that's with dumb and dumber))
- 19-9 against all other divisions
- .569 winning percentage
- Three of the six teams in the playoffs are from the division.
LeGarrette's Blount's you sir are to especially praised for your inability to manage! Never in the history of this league (or at least since one owner showed up to the draft with out his computer) have we seen such incompetence when it come to assembling an imaginary team of professional athletes. At 3-10 you not only owe $100, but you also will have your 2016 team name decided by the winner of the playoffs.
But don't worry sir three (3) other paint chip eating, big tongued, helmet wearing, individuals also shared your record. Somehow these special needs teams were able to outscore you. Hell, if Philanthropist Fletch and Group Therapy's Walking Wounded had been able to pull themselves up for their autistic seizures, we might of had another season champion. I mean to finish 3-10, you almost have to try to suck that bad. You could've auto drafted your teams and still won 5 games, hell Jay and Not So Silent Shawn won 4 games!
Week 13 Wrap-Up
Due to playoff spots being locked up last week, this week was a little boring and unexciting.
However, there were two games decided by 1 point this week, so let's breakdown what could've been for each matchup loser...
LeGarrette's Blount's decided that Richard Rodgers and his 30 points just didn't need to be in his lineup. Don't worry, we all expected this from you based on your past performance. We appreciate your contribution to the pot and letting us all have shots at adding player due to your inability to work the waiver wire.
Bold move to start Ryan Tannehill (8 points) over Marcus Mariota by Jay and Not So Silent Shawn, you didn't need his 41 points, oh wait...you did. Maybe your new team should be called Two Idiots, One Computer. Thank you for playing this year, trading away your best player and his low keeper cost to a 1st place team, and your contribution to the winner's pocketbook. I hope we can all look forward to an easy win against you next season.
However, there were two games decided by 1 point this week, so let's breakdown what could've been for each matchup loser...
LeGarrette's Blount's decided that Richard Rodgers and his 30 points just didn't need to be in his lineup. Don't worry, we all expected this from you based on your past performance. We appreciate your contribution to the pot and letting us all have shots at adding player due to your inability to work the waiver wire.
Bold move to start Ryan Tannehill (8 points) over Marcus Mariota by Jay and Not So Silent Shawn, you didn't need his 41 points, oh wait...you did. Maybe your new team should be called Two Idiots, One Computer. Thank you for playing this year, trading away your best player and his low keeper cost to a 1st place team, and your contribution to the winner's pocketbook. I hope we can all look forward to an easy win against you next season.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Week 12 Wrap Up
*First of all, the editor of the blog does not appreciate others doing his job for him. We (well really just me singular) don't need you interjecting your two cents about what you thought the beat down of the week was or you general opinion on others. So please leave the public shaming and ridiculing to the professionals.
Alright, so let's get to it.
Well you can tell that the bye weeks are over because points weren't at a premium this week with a league average of 117.625 points scored. Hell even you special needs teams almost broke triple digits, you're big kids, look what you can do!
The matchup of the week did not disappoint! It seems like Team Shaft was able to shake off the injury bug and scored 169 points. Sad day for Kenny Loggins Powers his 141 points would have beaten twelve (12) other teams this week, but sometimes that's just how the cookie crumbles...
This week's Bench Get Off Me award (presented by The Mensch on a Bench) is presented to...
Philanthropist Fletch for leaving the Jets' D/ST and their 7 points on the bench and instead getting a whopping -3 points from the Steelers. That's a page straight out of Roger Goodell'd's playbook.
So let's see what happened this week:
Well looks like if you're not Prestige Worldwide, Stormin Mormon, The Original RG, Team Shaft, Team Fox, or Speech Mode, you're a complete and total failures at managing imaginary football teams and you didn't make the playoffs, better luck next year losers and enjoy the consolation bracket.
1st place and a signification amount of cash is down to a ménage a trios of the male variety, I don't support that lifestyle, but know of two (2) teams in this league that would be into that. Prestige Worldwide (1604), Stormin Mormon (1554), and The Original RG (1544).
With one week left it's down to four (4) teams for the honor of Worst Loser. The following teams share a 3-9 record, a love for bright colors, water on the brain, and having to go to those "special" classes in high school. LeGarrette's Blount's, Quinn's Redumption Tour, Group Therapy's Walking Wounded, and Philanthropist Fletch. LeGarrette's Blount's finally cracked 1000 points for the season. I remember what that felt like, you always remember your first they say. I think he's got this locked up, so enjoy owing $100 and having your team name completely out of your control next year.
I would like to nominate both Half the Man Roy Wiliams Was and Roger Goodell'd for really turning their seasons around. You both could finish 7-6 or below .500 and still complete losers. You both almost made the playoffs, gold star for both of you, but maybe someone can go make you pancakes...
Well we will see you when this whole 2015 regular season is wrapped up...
Alright, so let's get to it.
Well you can tell that the bye weeks are over because points weren't at a premium this week with a league average of 117.625 points scored. Hell even you special needs teams almost broke triple digits, you're big kids, look what you can do!
The matchup of the week did not disappoint! It seems like Team Shaft was able to shake off the injury bug and scored 169 points. Sad day for Kenny Loggins Powers his 141 points would have beaten twelve (12) other teams this week, but sometimes that's just how the cookie crumbles...
This week's Bench Get Off Me award (presented by The Mensch on a Bench) is presented to...
Philanthropist Fletch for leaving the Jets' D/ST and their 7 points on the bench and instead getting a whopping -3 points from the Steelers. That's a page straight out of Roger Goodell'd's playbook.
So let's see what happened this week:
Well looks like if you're not Prestige Worldwide, Stormin Mormon, The Original RG, Team Shaft, Team Fox, or Speech Mode, you're a complete and total failures at managing imaginary football teams and you didn't make the playoffs, better luck next year losers and enjoy the consolation bracket.
1st place and a signification amount of cash is down to a ménage a trios of the male variety, I don't support that lifestyle, but know of two (2) teams in this league that would be into that. Prestige Worldwide (1604), Stormin Mormon (1554), and The Original RG (1544).
With one week left it's down to four (4) teams for the honor of Worst Loser. The following teams share a 3-9 record, a love for bright colors, water on the brain, and having to go to those "special" classes in high school. LeGarrette's Blount's, Quinn's Redumption Tour, Group Therapy's Walking Wounded, and Philanthropist Fletch. LeGarrette's Blount's finally cracked 1000 points for the season. I remember what that felt like, you always remember your first they say. I think he's got this locked up, so enjoy owing $100 and having your team name completely out of your control next year.
I would like to nominate both Half the Man Roy Wiliams Was and Roger Goodell'd for really turning their seasons around. You both could finish 7-6 or below .500 and still complete losers. You both almost made the playoffs, gold star for both of you, but maybe someone can go make you pancakes...
Well we will see you when this whole 2015 regular season is wrapped up...
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