Week 4 Match-Up of the Week

Welcome to the first week of byes or the week we all realize how much it sucks only having three (3) bench spots.

Team Stenmark (2-1) takes on Jay and Not So Silent Shawn (2-1) in the Match-Up of the Week (presented by The Peeper Creeper)

 

Will the students become the master...or will this tyrannical Dictator continue to oppress these two peasants under his iron fist?

Let's take a look at how these "teams" stack up (according to ESPN)...

Both teams come into this match-up with a record of 2-1, but Jay and Not So Silent Shawn (ASS) come in having scored 75 more points than Team Stenmark (SS). SS has benefited from an easy schedule so far (think Georgia last week), but he is taking on these two morons...

QB - I think 17 points against the Pats is generous, but Matty Ice isn't playing the Saints this week. - EVEN

RB - As much as I'd like to not pick a 'Bama running back, I'm going to have to go with Ingram - ASS

WR - London won't be calling for Hurns and never pull against someone with a biblical name, let alone two of them! - SS

TE - Does anyone remember West Coast Choppers? No, neither do I... - ASS

FLEX - I'm sorry Forte and Coleman are never getting three (3) touchdowns in a game again, but still Jeffery doesn't have QB to throw to him and Artis-Payne hasn't been relevant since he was at Auburn. - ASS

D/ST - ESPN is calling for the Bills to score more than the Vikings, no way.. - ASS

K - After last week, Pitt has to score this week right? - ASS

Survey says.... Snoochie Buchies!

Week 3 Wrap-Up

Fantasy Football is frustrating...

 

 

Sometimes you just feel like you're on a boat with two friends speeding into an embankment in the Miami moonlight. But keep your head up and maybe look at your phone for a helpful text from your friend, we've still got 11 weeks left for you to make a turnaround!

 

Prestige Worldwide (3-0) and Team Shaft (3-0) have yet to taste the bitterness of defeat, but an upcoming matchup with The Original RG (2-1) this week for PWW might spoil his magical season. TS takes on Team Fox (1-2) in what should be a winnable match up for the master of the shaft.

 

...is it your first win you're looking for?

 

Lionel Richie All Night Long (1-2) picked up his first victory this week while also putting up 185 points. The manager of Kenny Loggins Powers was getting worried about you and was about to call your wife to make sure you had made it safely to your computer to set your lineup.

 

I feel like a bully continuing to pick on the same teams week in and week out, but sometimes your team is just a flaming bag of poop...

 

 

 

As is the case of Philanthropist Fletch...Hell, Les Miles had a better week than this team...at least he got a buyout, instead Fletch has to pay in $10 this week, but then again Fletch your wife doesn't look like a man....so who's the real loser here?

 

 

Things I'm thankful for...beer, women, and Laremy's New Gas Mask (0-3) being in this league. You've got to love a newbie, not only did this kid suck at Fantasy Baseball (5-13 record), but looks like he's also got a knack for losing in football too. His stock is sliding faster than his namesake...

 

 

Jay and Not So Silent Shawn's trade almost came back to bite them in ass (what else is new?) as they gave away 73 points and only got 18 in return. Luckily neither team on Monday night played defense so there were more points scored than sniffles from Donald Trump...

 



If only Jimi Hendrix had started Jermaine Kearse (3 points) or Rishard Matthews (6 points) this week instead of Ryan Mathews (0 points), they'd of beat Prestige Worldwide, better luck next time kids.

Well that's all I can come up with this week, maybe there will be something else exciting for me to talk about next week or probably just the same piss poor performances out of most of you...

Week 3 Matchup of the Week

Normally we'd highlight a high profile match-up, but we all know that we never bend to convention around here at the Blog.

So instead of featuring the only matchup this week of un-beaten teams, I'd rather draw your attention towards the bottom of the league where one team will fall to 0-3.

Let's get ready for Mediocrity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nathan's Moist Rowellettes (0-2) takes on Philanthropist Fletch (0-2) in the Match-Up of the Week presented by Poo-Dough

 

This matchup promises all the excitement of watching paint dry or reading another story about a down syndrome kid running 80 yards for a touchdown in a high school football game.

Anyway, let's breakdown this short bus of a matchup...

QB - Luck's shoulder should hold up and the Bolts have no pass defense - ROWELLETTES

RB - This one is a toss up for me, I just like screaming "Matt Jones" like I'm in a rap song, so I'm going with the 'Skin's RB - ROWELLETTES

WR - Someone get a doctor ready for all four of these receivers b/c they are more likely to get injured getting off the bus before the game than to make it through the entire four quarters of their respective football games. I don't even want to touch them for fear of breaking one of their bones - EVEN

FLEX - Diggs is the number 1 receiver in fantasy right now, but Aiken is more likely to catch a cold than a pass, so it's hard to go with Fletch, but Blount is likely to get pulled over for weed again, so who even knows about this one - EVEN

D/ST - San Fran has been sitting on the sideline for the first two weeks fantasy wise, so there's no reason that the Hawks D doesn't take it to them this week - FLETCH

K - Who cares for the 3rd week in a row - EVEN

ESPN predicts FLETCH to win by 9, and as much as it pains me to pick this pathetic excuse for a man's team, I'm going to have to go with Philanthropist Fletch also. I really wish I could see some way that Nathan's Moist Rowellettes wins, but I can't even put a positive spin on this team.

Don't worry though, I predict both these teams will be battling it out all season long for the Feazell Spit Cup.

Week 2 Wrap-Up

Gentlemen, let's face it, in any fantasy season there are three (3) types of individuals:

Winners, loser, and managers like Philanthropist Fletch (0-2).

The sooner you all come to this realization, the easier this season will be for you all.

But sadly, we all will never be as great as Bob from Fight Club...

Don't believe me...click here

A slow handclap for Mr. Steal Your Gurley for scoring 169 this week!

You've come a long way since your last place finish during the 2014 season. Maybe changing your place of employment has also benefited your fantasy football management skills or since you're not longer under the burdensome rule of others,  you've found more free time to research players and match-ups.

Nathan's Moist Rowellette's seems to have started off this season just like last year and with AP going down looks like last year's Manager of the Year - Team Stenmark is in the lead for becoming the first manager to win this award in back to back seasons (even though we've only had the award for two years)!

Four of you are undefeated and four of you have yet to win a game. We're two weeks in, don't get a big head or put a gun to your head yet guys.

So, let's see if we can gather anything interesting for the performances of your teams last week...nah, not really it's early in the season and it's after 5 so I want to go home...let's instead look at what happened from Tuesday through today (and a little bit of last week too).

Apparently, some of you think that you have $1,000 in your free agent budget by the extravagant bids you've been placing on players or you've been completely trashed when making your bids. Now I know I've made a few questionable decisions after a few drinks, alright maybe more than a few...but just like drunk texting, drunk Fantasy Football managing is never ever a good idea...you always wake up the next morning regretting it and sometimes you're left with a choice that haunts your for the rest of your life or season in this case.

So let's take this a step further and look into this madness:

$65 dollars....are you kidding me, what's even more sad is bidding $33 and getting outbid.

Here's the best part of the free agent auction so far. Jay and Not So Silent Shawn paid $27 for Jeremy Kerley only to drop him this week and pay $17 for a Rams WR.

Great move guys, you paid $27 for 5 points!

This has to be the most mentally handicapped team in the league, and I don't say mentally handicapped in the sense that I'm making fun of actual mentally handicapped individuals. I say mentally handicapped in the fact that you both lack the mental capacity to make logical decisions about fantasy football, the definition of business casual, and whether or not you should walk to the front desk in just underwear and an undershirt.

I'm surprised you were both able to find anyone to actually consent to marrying you, but the player you dropped only scored 3 points and I'm single and alone, so who's the real loser here?

The only thing I regret is that at this rate, you'll run out of money by week 5 and will no longer provide any amusement for me on Thursday mornings.

I looked the owner from All About the Benjamins in eye this morning and told him I wouldn't make fun of him this week....BUT then I looked at the recent league activity and I can't refrain.

This right here is prime example of why All About The Benjamins will never win this league and no one should take notice of his 2-0 start:

The draft, drop, and add. Surprisingly, I've never heard of this strategy!
Let's see if it works this week...on and looks like Gronk might play too.

* Side note: That $30 for Treadwell is looking like a prime investment right now too..

 

Well that's all I've got time for, I'm sure you've either stopped reading because you're bored or you think I'm a complete and total ass...either way I don't really care.

Until we meet again next week...

Editor's Note: It really gets boring making fun of the same teams week in and week out, so I'd encourage you all to actually try or just continue to suck...it doesn't matter to me!

I just need some new material for the blog so I can continue to make fun of you all behind the protection of a computer screen.

Week 2

Well that was fun....

All Hail All About the Benjamin's...

Somehow this gutter team for the last three (3) years managed to put up 171 points during the first weekend of football and snag himself a crisp Hamilton in the process. 

I guess what they say is really true...even a blind Pig manages to find a Pumpkin every now and then.

So we all salute you sir for the performance of a lifetime by your imaginary team of multimillionaires. Don't get used to this feeling you'll barely crack 50 next week.

Death, Taxes, and Philanthropist Fletch leaving points on the bench...These things never change.

Just like in your professional career, those you manage either quit on you or go on to do better things elsewhere, namely your bench.

If Fletch had just played Stefon Diggs or Mr. Salsa Dance himself Victor Cruz, he'd of easily held off those pesky Mormons, but instead he put his faith in Kamar Aiken and his "elite" QB only to come up 3 points shy of a week 1 victory.

Better go ahead and take $140 out of the bank now and save yourself a trip in December. Lucky for you sir, there were no official Calcutta's...

Last week's matchup of the week did not live up to ESPN's projections, wow, go figure there....Actually a big WHAT THE FLYING HELL to ESPN on Sunday.

Apparently it was a Special Olympics version of running a Fantasy Football website on Sunday. The app and website when down more than Hilary at the 9/11 memorial, only problem was, there weren't any Secret Service Agents to get the app and website up and running speedily.

ESPN, it's evident that you care more about the political ramblings or your anchors than Fantasy Football. You don't care about us! This mostly notably is seen by your constant shoving the opinions/advice of Matthew Berry down our throats.

When was the last time that ass clown won a fantasy matchup? No, someone please tell me!

But what else would you expect for a company run by Disney, no wonder a kid got eaten by an alligator on your watch Disney...FAIL...No your half-hearted "apology" on your front page doesn't make me feel better...try again...specifically by leaving Matthew Berry out on that beach at Dusk...

Last week's I Totally Forgot They Play Football on Sunday's Award goes to My Dak In A Box.

This team was projected to score the most points in the league (123) during week 1 only tie for the least (100).

You two (2) gentlemen should be appalled at the performance of your "team." If it wasn't for Alex Smith, All About the Benjamin's would've beat your ass by 100. Remember the goal each week is win, not suck. Maybe what your team needs is a little "ass-chewing" from good ole Uncle Nick...




This week's Matchup of the Week sponsored by Wal-Mart (official* team supplier of Alabama football) finds Team Fox (1-0) taking on For Whom the Bell Tolls (0-1).

ESPN projects a 1 point line on the game, which means it'll be closers to 35.

So let's get to the breakdown:

QB - Stafford again gets to take on one of the worst pass defenses in the leagues so I'm giving the edge to FWTBT

RB - The ageless wonder that is DeAngelo Williams rolls on - FWTBT

WR - I'm going to go with FWTBT just because he has Edelman and I can respect a guy who bangs random girls off Tinder only to ends up on their SnapChat stories. That's enough to get the nod in my books - FWTBT

TE - The Colts are going to be behind a lot this year and in Denver - FOX

FLEX - Just for the fact that FWTBT has Kenny Stills I have to go the other direction - FOX

D/ST - The Saints are going to score, just not as much as the Giants - FOX

K - Who cares again - EVEN

Well it's looking like Time marches on....For Whom The Bell Tolls.

See you on the flipside...

The 2016 Season Starts Tonight Ladies...

Today gentlemen we embark on a journey that will take 17 weeks for a select six (6) of you and 14 weeks for the rest of you, namely Philanthropist Fletch.

This week's I Forgot to Do This at Lunch So This Post Isn't Going to be up to My Normal Standard Matchup of the Week pits the most uncreative team in the league (Team Fox) against the team voted most likely to lose their virginity in their mom's minivan after they moved home from college (Jimi Hendrix).

ESPN is projecting a 2 point spread so this one is a toss up.

This year I'll be going with a position by position breakdown...I know you're impressed.

QB - Both these teams have a quarterback who enjoys an evening with the ladies, however only one prefers it consensually, so I really don't see any separation there.
- EVEN

RB - This position is basically even, hell Seattle even made an outcast from Buffalo look like a beast. - EVEN

WR - Somehow ESPN thinks that Demaryius Thomas has an actual quarterback throwing to him, 14 points is stretch. I mean seriously Denver's QB basically is a high school joke or something you'd expect to come across reading this blog! The obvious advantage in WRs goes to Team Fox, maybe if the managers behind Jimi Hendrix had actually woken up from choking on their own vomit and spent money on a Tier 1 WR this would be a better matchup.
- Advantage - FOX

TE - How the hell in Antonio Gates still playing? This isn't 4 years ago.
- EVEN

FLEX - Strong move banking on two (2) Eagles player in your FLEX position Hendrix while FOX counters with a player definetly on the no fly list and a Giants RB.
- EVEN

K - Who cares....
- EVEN

D/ST - Eh, pretty much the same here. Can you tell I got lazy or bored?
- EVEN

Final verdict....

TEAM FOX wins by single digits, game blouses...