I apologize for the lack of pictures this week, typing this from your phone in the Atlanta airport is harder than it looks.
Well the wildcard round is over and the two teams that had no business being in the playoffs have been eliminated faster than a 300lb defensive tackle running through the fourth floor window after a bad trip...
Speech Mode & Team Shaft you both had boring, lackluster, and mediocre season; so it's fitting that you both lost in the 1st round of the playoffs. Considering both of your crappy teams were extremely lucky to even make it into the playoffs, getting knocked out in the first round should come as no surprise to either of you.
Gentlemen, you both suck at fantasy football, life, growing facial hair, both your professional football teams are horrendous this year, and may God have mercy on your souls. We salute you for your suckatude and now you're just like the 14 other teams in the league...eliminated.
Matchup One:
In what has to be the worst performance of the season, Speech Mode completely failed to take advantage of The Original RG's QB poor tackling ability and scoring a grand total of 0 fantasy points. His 88 point performance was his season's worst. Way to save it up for the playoffs douchebag!
I mean how pathetic is this team?
How can you go from scoring 188 points the week before to only scoring 88 in the most important week of the season? It was a performance that only Peyton Manning and a mother could love.
This team just sucks...plain and simple, how the owner managed to make the playoffs is past me. For all you losers who didn't make the playoffs, you all should feel ashamed, embarrassed, and question your life for the simple fact that this team was better than yours during the season.
Matchup Two:
Team Shaft's performance was just as bad, as he failed to crack 100 even though his defense put up 23 points. Good news is that you would've beaten Stormin Mormon this week, bad news is that you just plain suck.
Not breaking 100 isn't anything new to this team, he should graciously thank the other owners in his division for being worse at clicking positions and hitting the submit button than him so he was able to win the CUSA/AFC South of fantasy football. I don't know what pisses me off more that he gets $25 for winning his division or that he gets to pick his division again next year. Just like getting a damn participation trophy, being a failure at fantasy football shouldn't be rewarded.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Friday, December 18, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Week 1 of the Playoffs
Welcome to Week 1 of the playoffs*!
*Note: We will only be discussing the Winner's Bracket here due to the consolation ladder not mattering, if you didn't make the playoffs, you suck, I'm sorry, there's no participation trophy for sucking and being a pathetic loser here.
Just a little bit of history before we get to the 1st round...
Fact #1: Did you know that back in the first year of this league that Lionel Richie All Night Long was the #1 seed? I don't know what's more impressive, that he's never changed his team name or that he was actually that good back then...oh how the times have changed
Fact #2: In the 2012 season Roger Goodell'd actually played for the league championship and lost?
Ok, I regress..
Prestige Worldwide and Stormin Mormon both have byes due to their superior records during the 2015 season. Both are guaranteed to at least play for 3rd place.
Matchup 1: #6 seed Speech Mode (8-5) versus #3 seed The Original RG (10-3)
It's the matchup of the two teams everyone hates in this league because one team is run by a man who wins everything and the other is run by some clown who likes to belittle others behind a computer screen.
These two team met in week four with The Original RG winning 108 to 90. However, this week ESPN predicts a Speech Mode victory of 134 to 117 and we all know what that means...The Original RG will breeze through this matchup. Let's be honest Doug Baldwin will continue to thrive in a post Jimmy Graham offense, Jarvis Landry will return every kick for a TD, and Charles Sims will do what every team has been doing to the Saint's D...run through them. Plus there's no way in hell that Speech Mode is putting up another 188 point effort like last week.
This one won't be over until Monday night so grab your favorite athletic trainer's cart and go on a ghost ride to pick up a 12" from Subway, an ice cold Pepsi, and some Skittles for dessert, boss!
Matchup 2: #5 seed Team Fox (9-4) versus #4 seed Team Shaft (8-5)
These two team met in week six with Team Fox winning 139 to 97. This week ESPN seems to think that Team Fox will continue his domination of the shaft (that's what she said?). Even though Team Shaft is projected to tie Team Fox with 119 points, ESPN still is giving the little red checkmark to Team Fox.
So wipe that retard look off your face, head down to your local Pubix to "grab" some crab legs and Coors Light, stand up and yell every midschooler's favorite saying in the cafeteria, and see if Team Shaft can pull take a nonconsensual W from Team Fox.
*Note: We will only be discussing the Winner's Bracket here due to the consolation ladder not mattering, if you didn't make the playoffs, you suck, I'm sorry, there's no participation trophy for sucking and being a pathetic loser here.
Just a little bit of history before we get to the 1st round...
Fact #1: Did you know that back in the first year of this league that Lionel Richie All Night Long was the #1 seed? I don't know what's more impressive, that he's never changed his team name or that he was actually that good back then...oh how the times have changed
Fact #2: In the 2012 season Roger Goodell'd actually played for the league championship and lost?
Ok, I regress..
Prestige Worldwide and Stormin Mormon both have byes due to their superior records during the 2015 season. Both are guaranteed to at least play for 3rd place.
Matchup 1: #6 seed Speech Mode (8-5) versus #3 seed The Original RG (10-3)
It's the matchup of the two teams everyone hates in this league because one team is run by a man who wins everything and the other is run by some clown who likes to belittle others behind a computer screen.
These two team met in week four with The Original RG winning 108 to 90. However, this week ESPN predicts a Speech Mode victory of 134 to 117 and we all know what that means...The Original RG will breeze through this matchup. Let's be honest Doug Baldwin will continue to thrive in a post Jimmy Graham offense, Jarvis Landry will return every kick for a TD, and Charles Sims will do what every team has been doing to the Saint's D...run through them. Plus there's no way in hell that Speech Mode is putting up another 188 point effort like last week.
This one won't be over until Monday night so grab your favorite athletic trainer's cart and go on a ghost ride to pick up a 12" from Subway, an ice cold Pepsi, and some Skittles for dessert, boss!
Matchup 2: #5 seed Team Fox (9-4) versus #4 seed Team Shaft (8-5)
These two team met in week six with Team Fox winning 139 to 97. This week ESPN seems to think that Team Fox will continue his domination of the shaft (that's what she said?). Even though Team Shaft is projected to tie Team Fox with 119 points, ESPN still is giving the little red checkmark to Team Fox.
So wipe that retard look off your face, head down to your local Pubix to "grab" some crab legs and Coors Light, stand up and yell every midschooler's favorite saying in the cafeteria, and see if Team Shaft can pull take a nonconsensual W from Team Fox.
Regular Season Wrap-Up
Congrats are in order for Prestige Worldwide, what you lack in hair sir, you make up for in Fantasy Football management skills...who knew you were married?
I'd also like to also congratulate all four top managers from last year for again winning your respective divisions.
Some may cry that "This is rigged!" but truthfully we were all just too incompetent to assemble teams capable of beating yours...or you lucked out and scored the 6th highest point total in the league, but thankfully you're division was incapable of counting past 7.
The Toughest Division Award goes to...the Baratheon Division, of course. Let's take a look at the SEC of all divisions:
LeGarrette's Blount's you sir are to especially praised for your inability to manage! Never in the history of this league (or at least since one owner showed up to the draft with out his computer) have we seen such incompetence when it come to assembling an imaginary team of professional athletes. At 3-10 you not only owe $100, but you also will have your 2016 team name decided by the winner of the playoffs.
But don't worry sir three (3) other paint chip eating, big tongued, helmet wearing, individuals also shared your record. Somehow these special needs teams were able to outscore you. Hell, if Philanthropist Fletch and Group Therapy's Walking Wounded had been able to pull themselves up for their autistic seizures, we might of had another season champion. I mean to finish 3-10, you almost have to try to suck that bad. You could've auto drafted your teams and still won 5 games, hell Jay and Not So Silent Shawn won 4 games!
I'd also like to also congratulate all four top managers from last year for again winning your respective divisions.
Team Shaft (8-5, 1,562 total points) - Stark Division (if we went off record and points you wouldn't make the playoffs, thank you divisional format!)
The Original RG (10-3 1,670 total points) - Lannister Division
Prestige Worldwide (11-2 1,750 total points) - Targaryen Division
Stormin Mormon (10-3 1,676 total points) - Baratheon Division
Some may cry that "This is rigged!" but truthfully we were all just too incompetent to assemble teams capable of beating yours...or you lucked out and scored the 6th highest point total in the league, but thankfully you're division was incapable of counting past 7.
The Toughest Division Award goes to...the Baratheon Division, of course. Let's take a look at the SEC of all divisions:
- 6,249 total points combined (455 points more than the next closest division)
- 31-21 record (only division to have a combined winning record (and that's with dumb and dumber))
- 19-9 against all other divisions
- .569 winning percentage
- Three of the six teams in the playoffs are from the division.
LeGarrette's Blount's you sir are to especially praised for your inability to manage! Never in the history of this league (or at least since one owner showed up to the draft with out his computer) have we seen such incompetence when it come to assembling an imaginary team of professional athletes. At 3-10 you not only owe $100, but you also will have your 2016 team name decided by the winner of the playoffs.
But don't worry sir three (3) other paint chip eating, big tongued, helmet wearing, individuals also shared your record. Somehow these special needs teams were able to outscore you. Hell, if Philanthropist Fletch and Group Therapy's Walking Wounded had been able to pull themselves up for their autistic seizures, we might of had another season champion. I mean to finish 3-10, you almost have to try to suck that bad. You could've auto drafted your teams and still won 5 games, hell Jay and Not So Silent Shawn won 4 games!
Week 13 Wrap-Up
Due to playoff spots being locked up last week, this week was a little boring and unexciting.
However, there were two games decided by 1 point this week, so let's breakdown what could've been for each matchup loser...
LeGarrette's Blount's decided that Richard Rodgers and his 30 points just didn't need to be in his lineup. Don't worry, we all expected this from you based on your past performance. We appreciate your contribution to the pot and letting us all have shots at adding player due to your inability to work the waiver wire.
Bold move to start Ryan Tannehill (8 points) over Marcus Mariota by Jay and Not So Silent Shawn, you didn't need his 41 points, oh wait...you did. Maybe your new team should be called Two Idiots, One Computer. Thank you for playing this year, trading away your best player and his low keeper cost to a 1st place team, and your contribution to the winner's pocketbook. I hope we can all look forward to an easy win against you next season.
However, there were two games decided by 1 point this week, so let's breakdown what could've been for each matchup loser...
LeGarrette's Blount's decided that Richard Rodgers and his 30 points just didn't need to be in his lineup. Don't worry, we all expected this from you based on your past performance. We appreciate your contribution to the pot and letting us all have shots at adding player due to your inability to work the waiver wire.
Bold move to start Ryan Tannehill (8 points) over Marcus Mariota by Jay and Not So Silent Shawn, you didn't need his 41 points, oh wait...you did. Maybe your new team should be called Two Idiots, One Computer. Thank you for playing this year, trading away your best player and his low keeper cost to a 1st place team, and your contribution to the winner's pocketbook. I hope we can all look forward to an easy win against you next season.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Week 12 Wrap Up
*First of all, the editor of the blog does not appreciate others doing his job for him. We (well really just me singular) don't need you interjecting your two cents about what you thought the beat down of the week was or you general opinion on others. So please leave the public shaming and ridiculing to the professionals.
Alright, so let's get to it.
Well you can tell that the bye weeks are over because points weren't at a premium this week with a league average of 117.625 points scored. Hell even you special needs teams almost broke triple digits, you're big kids, look what you can do!
The matchup of the week did not disappoint! It seems like Team Shaft was able to shake off the injury bug and scored 169 points. Sad day for Kenny Loggins Powers his 141 points would have beaten twelve (12) other teams this week, but sometimes that's just how the cookie crumbles...
This week's Bench Get Off Me award (presented by The Mensch on a Bench) is presented to...
Philanthropist Fletch for leaving the Jets' D/ST and their 7 points on the bench and instead getting a whopping -3 points from the Steelers. That's a page straight out of Roger Goodell'd's playbook.
So let's see what happened this week:
Well looks like if you're not Prestige Worldwide, Stormin Mormon, The Original RG, Team Shaft, Team Fox, or Speech Mode, you're a complete and total failures at managing imaginary football teams and you didn't make the playoffs, better luck next year losers and enjoy the consolation bracket.
1st place and a signification amount of cash is down to a ménage a trios of the male variety, I don't support that lifestyle, but know of two (2) teams in this league that would be into that. Prestige Worldwide (1604), Stormin Mormon (1554), and The Original RG (1544).
With one week left it's down to four (4) teams for the honor of Worst Loser. The following teams share a 3-9 record, a love for bright colors, water on the brain, and having to go to those "special" classes in high school. LeGarrette's Blount's, Quinn's Redumption Tour, Group Therapy's Walking Wounded, and Philanthropist Fletch. LeGarrette's Blount's finally cracked 1000 points for the season. I remember what that felt like, you always remember your first they say. I think he's got this locked up, so enjoy owing $100 and having your team name completely out of your control next year.
I would like to nominate both Half the Man Roy Wiliams Was and Roger Goodell'd for really turning their seasons around. You both could finish 7-6 or below .500 and still complete losers. You both almost made the playoffs, gold star for both of you, but maybe someone can go make you pancakes...
Well we will see you when this whole 2015 regular season is wrapped up...
Alright, so let's get to it.
Well you can tell that the bye weeks are over because points weren't at a premium this week with a league average of 117.625 points scored. Hell even you special needs teams almost broke triple digits, you're big kids, look what you can do!
The matchup of the week did not disappoint! It seems like Team Shaft was able to shake off the injury bug and scored 169 points. Sad day for Kenny Loggins Powers his 141 points would have beaten twelve (12) other teams this week, but sometimes that's just how the cookie crumbles...
This week's Bench Get Off Me award (presented by The Mensch on a Bench) is presented to...
Philanthropist Fletch for leaving the Jets' D/ST and their 7 points on the bench and instead getting a whopping -3 points from the Steelers. That's a page straight out of Roger Goodell'd's playbook.
So let's see what happened this week:
Well looks like if you're not Prestige Worldwide, Stormin Mormon, The Original RG, Team Shaft, Team Fox, or Speech Mode, you're a complete and total failures at managing imaginary football teams and you didn't make the playoffs, better luck next year losers and enjoy the consolation bracket.
1st place and a signification amount of cash is down to a ménage a trios of the male variety, I don't support that lifestyle, but know of two (2) teams in this league that would be into that. Prestige Worldwide (1604), Stormin Mormon (1554), and The Original RG (1544).
With one week left it's down to four (4) teams for the honor of Worst Loser. The following teams share a 3-9 record, a love for bright colors, water on the brain, and having to go to those "special" classes in high school. LeGarrette's Blount's, Quinn's Redumption Tour, Group Therapy's Walking Wounded, and Philanthropist Fletch. LeGarrette's Blount's finally cracked 1000 points for the season. I remember what that felt like, you always remember your first they say. I think he's got this locked up, so enjoy owing $100 and having your team name completely out of your control next year.
I would like to nominate both Half the Man Roy Wiliams Was and Roger Goodell'd for really turning their seasons around. You both could finish 7-6 or below .500 and still complete losers. You both almost made the playoffs, gold star for both of you, but maybe someone can go make you pancakes...
Well we will see you when this whole 2015 regular season is wrapped up...
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Week 12 Matchup of the Week
This week Team Shaft takes on Kenny Loggins Powers for 1st place in the Stark Division
Team Shaft limps into this matchup on a 3 game losing streak while Kenny Loggins Powers also has been on the wrong side of the scoreboard now the last two weeks. Both teams are in desperate need of a win to secure their spot in the playoffs. What better scenario could we ask for a Matchup of the Week.
I'm not too sure who the hell will be able to play for Team Shaft judging by all the red letters beside his player's names. With only a few serviceable players out on the waiver wire and only $8 to his name Team Shaft might find himself in the Daaanger Zoone!
Currently Team Shaft doesn't have a TE starting and his running back is showing 0 points projected so it's hard to get a read on what his plan is this week. However, I think this is a bold strategy and might just payoff for him.
I'm calling a win for KLP since it appears that most of Team Shaft's players will be in street clothes for this matchup.
Happy Waiver Wire hunting!
Week 11 Recap
Happy Thanksgiving!
I hope you don't burn your house down (unless you're Matthew Berry) trying to deep fry a turkey this year or hate Turkey as much as former Mississippi State player Darius Slay...
"Turkey. So nasty. I hate turkey. I don't know why Thanksgiving has like turkey as a logo. That's like a logo for turkey. It has to be ham, because ham is way better than turkey. Turkey is terrible. I hate turkey. So nasty. Hate turkey."
He went on to express this about his upbringing...
"...So she didn't make turkey and then I was like, ‘Man, I want to try turkey, mom.' Then I see why she don't like it. It's real nasty. Some people try to make it juicy. It don't change nothin'. It still gets dry. It's nasty. I love ham, though. Ham and I need me a pie. My mom, I'm trying to find a way to send this pie to my house. I don't know how that's going to operate but that sweet potato pie is going to be on point. I need like two of them. Man, it's so good. My grandma, she had me one saved anyway but I need one for Thanksgiving because I'm not going to be home."
Well it's obvious that in addition to a pie, you need some grammar also Slay. Another example of that fine Mississippi state funded higher educational institutional education I guess.
Alright let's get to everything that happened during Week 10..
Awards!!!!!!!!
This week's Bench Get Off Me award (presented by Bench Bookkeeping Services) goes to...
Jay and Not So Silent Shawn for leaving Marcus Mariota and his 20 points on the bench and instead starting Ryan Tannehill (15 points). Those extra 5 points would have been more than enough to cover the 2 point loss to Stormin Mormon.
The Recap-ish
It appears that the once mighty Team Shaft has finally come back down to earth. With more Q's on his team than The Burgundy Bed and Breakfast, it appears that this team's injury plagued past has finally comeback to haunt the manager. Somewhere the Karma gods are smiling, rubbing their bellies.
Despite the chance at a playoff spot, both Lionel Richie All Night Long and Kenny Loggins Powers lost to teams with 4 wins between them last week. I'm glad you guys are back to your old ways, we all missed you! Losing fits you both better anyways.
Don't look now, but Group Theray's Walking Wounded is on a 2 game win streak, but don't worry your rehab will take a dramatic step back when you run into Prestige Worldwide this week.
Team Fox is so hot right now owning a 7 game win streak and leaving in his wake a trail of empty Coors Light cans and crushed dreams. This week he takes on Stormin Mormon in what will determine the winner of the Baratheon Division.
Prestige Worldwide won again and scored the most points, this is becoming a broken record, and isn't even worth mentioning anymore.
So how Roger Goodell'd managed not make a complete ass out of himself this week with his pickups and found himself in the wins category after a 20 point victory over The Original RG. It feels really good for this team to lose, like more than it should for some reason. You go Glenn Coco...
Shout out to You Win...you lose for picking up James Jones and leaving him on your bench. You know there were other managers that were trying to pick him up last week. Thanks, it's not like we could've used those 25 points or anything...
The pillow fight for last place includes six (6) teams and it's any one of these mongoloid's for the taking. Usually when you're autistic, you're gifted at something. However, it's apparent that that the gentle minds of these special needs individuals are not blessed with the gift of management.
We all know that Philanthropist Fletch is all about charity, but seriously you need to stop giving away your money. Five (5) losses in a row isn't helping your deep pockets. It looks like your team, just like most of the people you've managed, have put in their two (2) weeks notice.
So don't eat yourself into a food coma today and until we meet again...
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Week 11 Matchup of the Week
I refuse to pick a matchup of the week this week. Just throwing a temper tantrum and being a drama queen b/c I feel it's justified this week..
- The Editor of the Blog
- The Editor of the Blog
Week 10 Recap/TradeGate '15
For a group of 16 males, there sure are a lot of you on the rag lately...
"They won't approve my trade, waaaaaaaa, I want to quit, I don't want to play next year, this league is too expensive"...and that's just from the guy who's in first place...
Put a Tampax in it Sugar Tits, this is Fantasy Football and just like baseball, there's no room for crying here.
The trade deadline has come and passed and it's obvious that one team is making moves. We all wonder what could of been if You win...you lose had put as much effort into the previous 10 weeks as he has these past 72 hours.
Here's an exert from an article by Matthew Berry on trades etiquette that someone brought up this week to me:
5. Veto the veto. You've heard me say this before, but until this miscarriage of justice is abolished, you're going to keep hearing it. Unless you can prove actual collusion, no trade should ever be vetoed. It is not your job to manage someone's team for them. Everyone should be allowed to manage their own team their own way. Even if you don't agree with it. Even if it's badly. You don't think he got nearly enough for his star tight end? So what? Not your team, not your tight end. The guy dealing him thought he got a good deal, that's all that matters. There's a special level of hell reserved for the people who veto just because it's a deal that didn't involve them or because "it's part of their strategy." That's not strategy, it's being a jerk. Win on the virtual field, not in some technocratic loophole. The art of negotiation is a skill in fantasy and is part of the game. A big part.
First of all let me say, I have no respect for Matthew Berry or balding people in general. You're going to tell me what to do with my life/lineup when you can't make a commitment to either try and save your thinning hair or just shave it off?
I sit down on Sunday mornings and listen to him sell me mystical hopes and dreams about player projects only to have his perfect lineup complete crap the bed. I might as well be watching one of those pyramid scheme infomercials. So why the hell would I put any stock in anything that comes out of this (pardon the lack of a better term) no-good-reliability-of-a-weatherman-ass-clown?
ESPN projections are garbage, when was the last time any projection for your player came even remotely close to being accurate? John Brown was supposed to score 13 points last week, he didn't even catch a pass.
And your Love/Hate weekly article, Matt?
Complete rubbish too.
You know what I would love...you and Stephen A. to get Dan Patricked from ESPN.
You know what I would hate...how you get paid a handsome salary for just pulling advice out of your ass.
I'm surprised you don't get your ass kicked weekly by your peers for bad advice. Apparently Helen Keller could win your league.
If I ever ran into Matthew Berry in the airport, I'd punch him in the face and demand he pay me back the $240 I lost b/c he told me to start Shonn Green over Mario Manningham in the championship game of the 2011 season.
So that being said, read it if you'd like, I think it's a complete cop-out b/c to me the veto is strategy. If I can keep someone in my division or I anticipate playing in the playoff from having a player, then WHY THE HELL WOULD I NOT VETO A TRADE.
I guess Matt doesn't believe in working the waiver wire, trying to actually win his league, democracy, or 'Merica either.
Rant over, well sort of...let's get to what happened as best as I can recall b/c as was pointed out last week, my public Mississippi institutional education sometimes fails me.
People say I'm too negative, so let's start this out by being a little nicer..
Welcome back to relevance Half the Man Roy Wiliams Was at 5-5 you find yourself flirting with a winning season!
Congrats Group Therapy's Walking Wounded on beating your protégé, if that's a compliment at all, and picking up your second win of the season.
Don't look now, but Lionel Richie All Night Long is going to make the playoffs with cupcake games coming up against teams with water heads for managers. 8-4 and a spot in the playoffs on the horizon for this team.
Team Fox and Speech Mode face off this week in what will ultimately put one of these teams out of the playoffs. It's sad that both of these teams would be in first place in the Stark Division and one of them won't make the playoffs, sorta like how things are in the real league.
Ok, I'm finished, that was like when your mom made you be nice to the fat smelly kid in class.
Weekly Awards!
The Corn Nuts Bold Move of the Week goes to...
Jay and Not So Silent Shawn for elected to not start a kicker and barely by the length of a roach and sneaking past LeGarrette's Blount's by one (1) point.
There's no Bench Get Off Me Award this week b/c nobody's bench would have made a difference.
Good new everyone! There will be no more Idiot of the Week awards b/c it's obvious that the "manager" from Roger Goodell'd is incapable of making rational decisions beside where to go grab a cold beer and gaze on several tvs or fake boobs. We are just going to go ahead and award him this award for the rest of the year. You Sir are a sad excuse for Fantasy Football manager.
That's it for me, until we meet again..
Friday, November 13, 2015
Week 10 Matchup of the Week Retraction
Gentlemen, we all can't be perfect.
We can't all graduate from two (2) prestigious pretentious liberal arts institutions. These institutes of higher learning not only share the share colors of purple and white, but also have the reputation for producing well-rounded douchebags in society. You'll find them at any Bernie Sanders rally holding up a sign blaming everything on the 1%...MAN!
Not every institution can have courses such as The Quest for the Holy Grail or be located in hip "thriving" metropolitan areas famous for starting the Bojangles and Mardi Gras.
While some of us decided to go to actual cheaper State funded Universities, these individuals instead blazed needless trails through both their and their parent's pocket books wasting extravagant amounts of money on a tiny piece of paper declaring that you were able to take a break from play Halo long enough to attend class and answer a few questions correctly while battling a hangover from Zima or Smirnoff Ice, but not Boone's Farm because we know you're more high class than that! Oh I apologize for the run-on sentence apparently English wasn't a strong point for my high learning institution either in addition to mathematics.
So we all bow down and look enviously at your superior education that in no way prepared you for the real world or your job. You sir are a rebel (well you're not really a rebel or black bear for that matter) among us mortal men just stuck here with our degrees from the lesser Universities in the state. We salute you!
So that being said, we here at the Blog must Retract our statement made previously in the Week 10 Matchup of the Week where it was stated as follows:
This is a bold face lie!
Our head writer's mind failed him, just like Andre Johnson, while trying to recount week 7. Team Shaft did in fact not fall to PWW, but instead was victorious.
See below for further proof of this victory.
Again the editor of the blog apologizes for this mishap and the guilty parties will be punished for this lack of oversight. We strive to obtain a certain era of excellence at the blog, but this time we have let you down.
Please forgive us and remember, we can't all have liberal arts degrees, someone has to actually work while you kids sit around and complain about how hard the world is...
We can't all graduate from two (2) prestigious pretentious liberal arts institutions. These institutes of higher learning not only share the share colors of purple and white, but also have the reputation for producing well-rounded douchebags in society. You'll find them at any Bernie Sanders rally holding up a sign blaming everything on the 1%...MAN!
Not every institution can have courses such as The Quest for the Holy Grail or be located in hip "thriving" metropolitan areas famous for starting the Bojangles and Mardi Gras.
While some of us decided to go to actual cheaper State funded Universities, these individuals instead blazed needless trails through both their and their parent's pocket books wasting extravagant amounts of money on a tiny piece of paper declaring that you were able to take a break from play Halo long enough to attend class and answer a few questions correctly while battling a hangover from Zima or Smirnoff Ice, but not Boone's Farm because we know you're more high class than that! Oh I apologize for the run-on sentence apparently English wasn't a strong point for my high learning institution either in addition to mathematics.
So we all bow down and look enviously at your superior education that in no way prepared you for the real world or your job. You sir are a rebel (well you're not really a rebel or black bear for that matter) among us mortal men just stuck here with our degrees from the lesser Universities in the state. We salute you!
So that being said, we here at the Blog must Retract our statement made previously in the Week 10 Matchup of the Week where it was stated as follows:
"PWW is coming off a victory over the number one team in the league, as well as, a dominating performance against Team Shaft during Rivalry Week."
This is a bold face lie!
Our head writer's mind failed him, just like Andre Johnson, while trying to recount week 7. Team Shaft did in fact not fall to PWW, but instead was victorious.
See below for further proof of this victory.
Again the editor of the blog apologizes for this mishap and the guilty parties will be punished for this lack of oversight. We strive to obtain a certain era of excellence at the blog, but this time we have let you down.
Please forgive us and remember, we can't all have liberal arts degrees, someone has to actually work while you kids sit around and complain about how hard the world is...
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Week 10 Matchup of Week
This week Prestige Worldwide (7-2) finds himself back in the matchup of the week against Speech Mode (6-3). Both teams are projected to score 113 with ESPN giving the all important checkmark to Speech Mode, but let's be honest here, PWW has out scored SM in 6 of the 9 weeks so far this season, so how much faith can you put in those projections?
PWW is coming off a victory over the number one team in the league, as well as, a dominating performance against Team Shaft during Rivalry Week. SM also is coming off a victory over Team Shaft (man can that team buy a win?) and a lackluster performance against one of those special needs teams.
PWW is sticking with this 2 TE strategy that didn't let him down last week while SM praying his QB passes concussion protocol and PPW's RB doesn't. This one should be over after the late game Sunday night because let's be honest there's no way that Tyler Eifert is scoring 3 TDs again. PWW wins by less than a touchdown even though my wallet hopes SM is the one left standing Monday night.
Maybe someday these teams could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale, but this week they are mortal enemies hell bent of winning.
So grab the skittles, start playing your drum set, sip on some sangria, and get ready for a matchup better than the F'n Catalina Wine Mixer
PWW is coming off a victory over the number one team in the league, as well as, a dominating performance against Team Shaft during Rivalry Week. SM also is coming off a victory over Team Shaft (man can that team buy a win?) and a lackluster performance against one of those special needs teams.
PWW is sticking with this 2 TE strategy that didn't let him down last week while SM praying his QB passes concussion protocol and PPW's RB doesn't. This one should be over after the late game Sunday night because let's be honest there's no way that Tyler Eifert is scoring 3 TDs again. PWW wins by less than a touchdown even though my wallet hopes SM is the one left standing Monday night.
Maybe someday these teams could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale, but this week they are mortal enemies hell bent of winning.
So grab the skittles, start playing your drum set, sip on some sangria, and get ready for a matchup better than the F'n Catalina Wine Mixer
Week 9 Recap
Last week's matchup of the week was about as exciting a Stingray's latest YouTube video...
Prestige Worldwide dominated Stomin Mormon thanks to Antonio Brown's 46 points. Tough draw for the Utes as he'd of beaten over half the league with his modest 120 points.
Well he's gone and done it again!
It's Only 5 Losses, Relax has pulled off another "great" move!
Let's break down this Dumbass Move of the Week in more detail...
So IO5LR gives up a QB he'll need in week 11 for a borderline TE2 who's injured and might not even start Sunday (logical move right?)
Then Sunday morning, he drops said TE
Genius, pure genius! Let's just add this to the reasons you shouldn't be allowed in this league or maybe you should because you obviously know nothing about Fantasy Football...
This week's Bench Get Off Me Award (presented by Bench menswear) goes to...
Philanthropist Fletch (how many times this year are you going to win this award?) for leaving Owen Daniels and his 23 points on the bench. That would been more than enough to cover his 10 point loss to Lionel Richie All Night Long.
Congratulations sir! No wonder everyone you manage tends to quit, who wants to work under such a pathetic loser...
#Winning Teams
Team Shaft finds himself in a race with Kenny Loggins Powers for The Stark Division after dropping his last 2 games, but we all know that just like the Mets, KLP will lose when the championship is on the line.
There's basically no way Prestige Worldwide is not going to win The Targaryen Division, you'd have a better change converting on 4th and 25 from the 40 yard line.
No shocker that The Original RG is close to clinching the Lannister Division, but the biggest surprise is that Lionel Richie All Night Long is in 2nd place sitting only 2 games back.
The Baratheon Division remains anyone's...except for Jay and Not So Silent Shawn's...for the taking.
The teams that ride the short bus section...
I'm amazing how all of you don't choke on your tongues each night. Do you all sit in your excrement each Sunday and wonder what your lives would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Well it looks like Group Therapy's Walking Wounded has fully embraced losing, good news though...only 4 weeks remain so you'll only be out $120, your dignity, naming rights for the 2016 season, and knowing that this guy is a better Fantasy Football manager than you...
Might as well just put yourself down now...
Quinn's Redemption Tour is horrible, I mean you would've been better off letting the person who stole your computer draft for you...maybe then you'd have a logical excuse for why your team would have better luck getting a wish granted by Make-a-Wish than getting a win.
LeGarrette's Blount's season has gone up in smoke...
Despite their best efforts, Jay and Not So Silent Shawn have won three (3) games I'm confused how having two (2) minds would be a disadvantage, but obviously both minds like their bodies aren't beautiful.
This is taking too much time to write about the sub .500 teams, so basically you guys suck, "you're just the afterbirth...slithered out of your mother's filth. They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantelpiece"
Well that's all for this week...I'm looking forward to hopping on the wife...
Prestige Worldwide dominated Stomin Mormon thanks to Antonio Brown's 46 points. Tough draw for the Utes as he'd of beaten over half the league with his modest 120 points.
Well he's gone and done it again!
It's Only 5 Losses, Relax has pulled off another "great" move!
Let's break down this Dumbass Move of the Week in more detail...
So IO5LR gives up a QB he'll need in week 11 for a borderline TE2 who's injured and might not even start Sunday (logical move right?)
Then Sunday morning, he drops said TE
Genius, pure genius! Let's just add this to the reasons you shouldn't be allowed in this league or maybe you should because you obviously know nothing about Fantasy Football...
This week's Bench Get Off Me Award (presented by Bench menswear) goes to...
Philanthropist Fletch (how many times this year are you going to win this award?) for leaving Owen Daniels and his 23 points on the bench. That would been more than enough to cover his 10 point loss to Lionel Richie All Night Long.
Congratulations sir! No wonder everyone you manage tends to quit, who wants to work under such a pathetic loser...
#Winning Teams
Team Shaft finds himself in a race with Kenny Loggins Powers for The Stark Division after dropping his last 2 games, but we all know that just like the Mets, KLP will lose when the championship is on the line.
There's basically no way Prestige Worldwide is not going to win The Targaryen Division, you'd have a better change converting on 4th and 25 from the 40 yard line.
No shocker that The Original RG is close to clinching the Lannister Division, but the biggest surprise is that Lionel Richie All Night Long is in 2nd place sitting only 2 games back.
The Baratheon Division remains anyone's...except for Jay and Not So Silent Shawn's...for the taking.
The teams that ride the short bus section...
I'm amazing how all of you don't choke on your tongues each night. Do you all sit in your excrement each Sunday and wonder what your lives would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Well it looks like Group Therapy's Walking Wounded has fully embraced losing, good news though...only 4 weeks remain so you'll only be out $120, your dignity, naming rights for the 2016 season, and knowing that this guy is a better Fantasy Football manager than you...
Might as well just put yourself down now...
Quinn's Redemption Tour is horrible, I mean you would've been better off letting the person who stole your computer draft for you...maybe then you'd have a logical excuse for why your team would have better luck getting a wish granted by Make-a-Wish than getting a win.
LeGarrette's Blount's season has gone up in smoke...
Despite their best efforts, Jay and Not So Silent Shawn have won three (3) games I'm confused how having two (2) minds would be a disadvantage, but obviously both minds like their bodies aren't beautiful.
This is taking too much time to write about the sub .500 teams, so basically you guys suck, "you're just the afterbirth...slithered out of your mother's filth. They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantelpiece"
Well that's all for this week...I'm looking forward to hopping on the wife...
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Week 9 Matchup of the Week
The Match Up of the Week is brought to you by Vagisil
Throw out the ESPN projected points, we're going strictly by records now (mostly b/c the majority of you cried over my process for picking games Tuesday while dining on delicious $2 tacos).
This week Prestige Worldwide takes on Stormin Mormon in what could be a preview of the league championship.
PWW enters the contest still feeling the scorn of his loss to his main broman Team Shaft in week 7 while Joseph Smith's angry disciples haven't lost since a week one debacle against...what the hell...is this right...Jay and Not So Silent Shawn...he lost to them?
I can not for the life of me bet against Stormin Mormon, can't do it, won't do it...but selfishly I'm pulling (the way you cheer for the handicapped kid to score a touchdown) for Prestige Worldwide. This one is going down to the wire and it won't be decided until Monday night when Prestige Worldwide's QB who doesn't believe in public schooling (or birth control apparently) takes on the Chicago Bear's all-time leader in points for Stormin Mormon.
Let's hope that Prestige Worldwide has better luck in this contest than Keenan Allen's kidney. So gather up your sister wives and grab a nice non-caffeinated/alcoholic beverage because this one is going to be good gentlemen!
Throw out the ESPN projected points, we're going strictly by records now (mostly b/c the majority of you cried over my process for picking games Tuesday while dining on delicious $2 tacos).
This week Prestige Worldwide takes on Stormin Mormon in what could be a preview of the league championship.
PWW enters the contest still feeling the scorn of his loss to his main broman Team Shaft in week 7 while Joseph Smith's angry disciples haven't lost since a week one debacle against...what the hell...is this right...Jay and Not So Silent Shawn...he lost to them?
I can not for the life of me bet against Stormin Mormon, can't do it, won't do it...but selfishly I'm pulling (the way you cheer for the handicapped kid to score a touchdown) for Prestige Worldwide. This one is going down to the wire and it won't be decided until Monday night when Prestige Worldwide's QB who doesn't believe in public schooling (or birth control apparently) takes on the Chicago Bear's all-time leader in points for Stormin Mormon.
Let's hope that Prestige Worldwide has better luck in this contest than Keenan Allen's kidney. So gather up your sister wives and grab a nice non-caffeinated/alcoholic beverage because this one is going to be good gentlemen!
Welcome to the Ocho
Effin A Cotton, Effin A
it's Week Ocho...
This week we are blessed to have another IDIOT of the Week, it's his second one this year, so everyone please give a polite participation clap to I Will Not Give Up T for spending $15 on Defense that got him a grand total of -5 points...well done sir!
You might look like Jonah Hill, but you lack the front office skills...
This week's Bench Get off Me Award (Presented by Green Bench Brewing Co. )
Goes to...Kenny Loggins Powers for leaving Shane Vereen and his 23 points on the bench. All he needed was a mere 22 points to side past Half the Man Roy Williams Was and into a tie for 1st place in the Stark Division. But instead it was vintage KLP for the loss.
#Winning
It's still any "man's" race for the 2015 Season Championship (presented by Callahan Auto Parts) with all 4 Division winner's from last year being within 1 game of each other. Can you guys let some of us other teams play? Thanks!
Prestige Worldwide looks to have the biggest lead on his Division, but hey that's what happens when you play in a Division who's mothers obviously drank during pregnancy. With all three (3) of the other "teams" being below .500 this Division should be renamed Water on the Brain. Let's hope these owner's can stop eating paste, paint chips, and pennies long enough to actually manage their teams without wetting themselves.
These people just suck category:
The race for the bottom is heating up with just 1 game separating 3 owners.
LeGarrette's Blounts, Quinn's Redemption Tour, and Group Therapy's Walking Wounded we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you!
Oh how the mighty have fallen!
You can change your name as many times as you want to, but sadly Group Therapy's Walking Wounded you're still going to suck...isn't it pathetic when your protégée has 2 more wins than you?
The student has become the master! But the only thing it appears he's mastered is losing...
Until next time...
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